Out of Control

I am surprisingly weak. I know so much, and there are so many possibilities for me, yet I sit here idle – wasting my life away. Okay, maybe that’s a little harsh, but I need to be harsh with myself because I’m too prideful to listen to anyone beside myself.

I mock other people far too much. I have known this for a long time, but recently I realized why I do it. It’s because I’m so self-conscious. I’m so worried about myself being abnormal or worthless that I have to critique everyone around me so that I feel like others are just as weird or helpless as I am. I bring others down to give me a false sense of “height”. I am surprisingly delusional.

One of the most upsetting parts about this realization is that I recognize that I don’t want to mock others so often but I continue on doing so as if I have no control over myself. I’d like to think that I have will power, but how can I say I do when it doesn’t show? Not only that, but there are countless things that I catch myself doing that I can’t seem to avoid that makes me think I’m a jerk; I’m lazy, I’m prideful, irresponsible, childish, egotistical… But, I suppose if I am all of these things, at least I am surprisingly honest.